This is going to be hard. Since July 2005 I have not seriously dealt with the rude reality of his passing. I muddle through, I always do. To face it, meaning his absence and the senseless way his life was taken, is beyond my capability. I am just barely holding on from day to day and my heart is angrier than it has ever been for any other reason. My head is not doing much better.
It has not escaped me that I have much to be thankful; I have my kids, a husband, and dear friends. I realize I am not the only one who has lost a parent, my husband has lost both. I can not even imagine waking day to day remembering those people with whom we seek comfort from are no longer there. For Brian, his loss was long, for me my loss was swift. Either way, neither he nor I will be the same. For me, my whole world evolved and revolved around the fact I had a mother and a father who were still married and in love. I was one of the lucky kids and adult who had opportunities to regularly hang out with my parents and enjoyed their company.
My dad is ornery, brash, difficult, rigid, silly, lovable, generous, and more importantly my daddy. I said once before my dad was a hero for me. It took me 25 years to actually put the lessons and dots together but I got it. There are so many times during the day that I think about what he would say when the kids are entertaining with their silly antics and wish, close my eyes so tight and click my heels three times and WISH he would walk into my door with a smile from ear to ear. His smile which envelopes his entire face and the laugh of mischief. That will never happen, and I can not believe it. I don’t believe it; rather I am refusing the reality and living in a fantasy he will be back.
I desperately need him, I need his guidance, I need his reassurance, I need his protection, and I just need him.
So this particular Father’s day I have really lost sight of a few things. My psyche responds in such a fractured way for me it is a wonder I get out of bed each morning. I really don’t control anything it is just the illusion of control. SUCKS Here is where I try to pull the positive into this post.
For Brian, this was and has been his day, his day to be loved and to love. My wish is for him to continue to realize just how much his presence affects the kids, especially his daughters. Look at me, Brian, I am a little girl without her dad, I know you have no control on when, as my dad put it “punch the ticket”, but you do have control as to how your daughters and son relate to you. The kids love you already, they loved you from the moment they entered the world, that is a certainty and fact which will never change. Anything else is just icing on the cake. My wish is for you to show them you love them with care, discipline, and hugs. The rest you and I will provide. You are a father, a daddy, a provider, a care giver, and later as the kids get older a friend. I am positive your dad is proud of you and is watching as you grow as a man with a family. Your dad is watching you form the circle; nudging you a bit, holding your shoulder, whispering your job is not done. I hear the same message from mine. Brian, your father’s day is everyday, Carpe Diem.