It is certainly strange how I view myself in my mind. I have been living in this body for 38 years, the first seven don't really count because at least for me it wasn't until that time I became aware of form as an image to the rest of the world. And even then this thought was very minimal because really what did I have to worry about?
Now as an adult, there is so much baggage attached to everything I do, see, think, feel, so much so it often hinders my perception of the way somewhere in the back of my mind how life should be. I am envious of those who appear to me to be simply happy. To me that is true wealth, being happy. Not drug induced, ignoring the realities of living happy, just happy, the confidence in knowing who their true self is, and knowing what it is they want to do, even if it for one day.
I guess what I am saying friends, is that I am not in that place with my physical and mental being. I know there is only one person who can spur on the self improvement (which is me) but as I mentally see all the heads nodding, I also know I am not alone in the quest. It is hard, treacherous, and sometimes cruel to get through the muck. What I think it comes down to is that I am scared, to move forward, sideways, or any other way at this moment. Where was I going with this?
I ran into a, well I guess you could call him a friend, from my childhood. I have not seen him in about twenty years, we lived down the street from each other, went to middle school and high school together, a friendly relationship. He was a good guy then and when he came into the office yesterday I would say he is a good guy now. This is where I think I get back to my original point. For those who did not know my in my past life, I was reasonably curvy, never thin, athletically active, anyway that is how my person was when he last saw me. Athletically shaped or reasonably curvy is not how you would describe me now. ::eyes looking up to find the mental image, yeah, not so much:: I know everyone changes, but there is always that little tiny panic, wondering if I will be judged. Anyway, the meeting again was very positive. No matter what ever his initial thought was, he never showed it, and welcomed my presence with gusto and pleasure to see me again. It was like the twenty years had not passed, we briefly caught up on families, talked about the reunion, and told me he wished I was there. He looked me in the eye, never wavered in his conversation with me. This is why I say he still a good guy. He left me with the impression I was the same girl in some respects that I was 20 years ago.
The moral of the story, I still have a lot of growing up to do, and I have some choices/decisions to make in order to find more of that ever so elusive happiness I seek to add to the happiness I do have. Thanks for listening to the ramblings, I do appreciate your kindness and friendship.